The Motherload

We won't be silenced, and we're not carrying this alone.

This was originally published on my old blog in May 2021. I’m sharing it here because it’s still important — in many cases, not nearly enough has changed. I’ve been talking about The Motherload™️ and the humanity of moms for more than a decade now, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be stopping anytime soon.

We read about the “mental load” of motherhood all the time.

But the labor and care that is rendered invisible and accepted as a mother's responsibility is much more than mental.

It's emotional, when you're managing your own responses while also modeling emotional intelligence for your child. When you're helping them navigate a tantrum or a fight with a friend or fear of a global pandemic — that's emotional labor. 

Mothers are also generally the culture keepers of the family, managing holidays and passing down traditions both big and small.

And any mother can tell you how physical it is as well. Cleaning, laundry, rocking, hugs, tucking in small children, and the moment when a child you could almost carry without staggering goes boneless and somehow gains 50 pounds in seconds. 

It's financial. Mothers lost or left jobs at a staggering rate during the start of the pandemic. "The Mommy Track" means that mothers are paid less even as men generally make more after becoming fathers. And all this in an economy where women are paid less to begin with. 

These experiences never happen one at a time and they aren't discrete — they combine, overlap, and inform each other. 

The financial load, the physical, the cultural, the emotional, and the mental — they all add up to the MOTHERLOAD. 

Doing the dishes while you’re thinking about whether or not your child needs therapy, flipping through a mental calendar of when you’d even be able to fit that in, and trying to move things around in your household budget to see if it’s even possible while trying to remember what your insurance will cover… oh, and how will you get the time off of work? And you’re trying to figure out how you’ll talk to your child about it all, and feeling guilty because you’ve somehow failed them — that’s a totally different experience than simply doing the dishes.

It takes more energy. It takes more everything. Every action and decision is loaded down with more.

It isn't simply carrying all that more, it's that even when you can acknowledge how much it is and how unfair it is — you still judge yourself for not doing it better.

That's the dirty little secret of motherhood. It's not that you never get a day off, it's that you're not supposed to need one. 

Modern mothers are expected to be giving machines, not human beings. We must be child development specialists, administrative assistants, chefs, maids, chauffeurs, coaches, tutors, therapists, and do it all while looking sexy and being grateful for the chance. 

Jokes about wine are allowed. Memes about the mean moms in the drop-off line and how we should all be supporting each other are encouraged. Tearful posts of gratitude are applauded.

Pointing out the ways that capitalism, patriarchy, and yes white supremacy underpin these impossible expectations — not so much. 

After the years we've all just lived through, the Motherload has been thrown into sharp relief. We aren't hiding anymore.

We won't be silenced.

And we're not carrying this alone.

The Motherload isn’t simply a mental load, and it’s only “invisible labor” because we’ve all been socialized not to acknowledge it.

But when you speak your truth, you create space for others to do the same. More and more moms are speaking the truth about their lives and creating that space. More and more moms are reaching out and creating networks of support for each other, with dads, and with childfree family and community members.

More and more moms are joining the fight for Universal Basic Income, Universal Childcare, and Universal Health Care because we know we need systemic as well as individual support.

The very least we can do is to stop calling it the mental load, to stop calling it invisible labor, and to tell the truth.

The Motherload is real. It’s far too heavy for any person to bear and you are not weak for not being able to bear the unbearable.